The Insanity of Fertility
The insanity that comes with Fertility. Here I am lying on the bed with my legs up against the wall, 99% of me knows that this is ridiculous and that it’s just some old wives tale woman shared, but that 1% of me is holding on to that last string on hope and belief, what if this really does work, do I really want to take that risk? No! So here I am looking as crazy as ever with my legs up in the air, holding on to the every last bit of hope and belief, because what am I left with if I dont? The sad truth that I’m probably not going to get pregnant again, a reality I am just not ready for. For as long as I can remember I had this feeling in my heart that I would never get pregnant, even at the age 17 when I started dating my husband I asked him if he would consider adopting one day because I did not think I’d be able to have kids. Of course deep down inside you still have that little bit of HOPE lying in the back of your mind, but you never seem to feed it any encouragement because you are too scared of disappointed. So the years went past and I enjoyed the young adult life not yet having a thought of kids when the biggest miracle happened, imagine my surprise, unplanned and totally unexpected we were gifted with the miracle of Luna. Even though we were unmarried and suddenly had to change our entire lives, the very second I found out my heart overflowed with this warm sensational feeling of true happiness. At first I didn’t want to let it take over my entire body because I knew that if I did and this test was wrong my world would have been shattered, so we went to buy 5 more tests, all the brands on the shelf. Warmth spread through me more and more, moving from one limb to the next as I saw every smiley face and positive sign, everything I ever dreamed off couldn’t measure up to this moment, the moment my life became better than I could have ever imagined. So here I am, that little piece of hope that use to be locked up deep down inside, smack bang front row centre. I’ve gotten pregnant before, I have a healthy baby girl, so of course It can happen again, it WILL happen again. We decided to have another soon after Luna’s birth as we wanted a close age cap. Months passed, gynie visits went by and eventually we had to have the discussion to when we will stop. Easily I said, let’s stop once we reached the 3 year gap, we don’t want a massive age difference, we are still young and will only be 40 once Luna turns 18 so we can still do some of the traveling then, that we couldn’t do in our youth. More gynie visits happened, medication, ovulation test and POOF, over two years has passed. Our time line has come to an end, if we do not fall pregnant in this month we are done trying, so here I am lying with my legs up against the wall hoping for a miracle because I’m not ready to let go of that last sting of hope and believe. In my head I’ve already debated with myself, the hopeful version of me convinced Demi (timeline, plan it all, control freak Demi) that we should give it another year, that a 4 year gap is not that bad and it’s worth the wait. It's worth it for Luna, to give her that lifelong friend, that best friend she so dearly deserves. So we extended our timeline to four years but my question is... when do you let go? When do let that shiny peace of string slip through your finger and float off into eternity, when do you let go of hope and just appreciate what you already have, because I already have so much more than the young me could have ever imagined. I have a beautiful little girl called Luna.