I thought I was strong enough but I wasn’t!
Saturday morning I woke up with tears, the realization of going home without my son kicked in and I opened the flood gates to all my emotions I’ve been pushing down since his birth. I started to cry and decided to let myself wallow in what I was feeling, feel it all and then process it, after a few seconds or probably minutes, I wiped my tears and then walked up to NICU to go feed my boy. I thought that’s its, I broke but I got up again, I had my weak moment and now I can be strong and do what I have to do. We spend the day driving back and forth for feeds, spending time in between with my daughter. I did the last feed at 6pm and then went back home and had dinner with the family... I WAS FINE ... and I really did believe that. My baby boy is healthy and the doctors said he will definitely come home on Monday once he has finished his course of antibiotics, all was GOOD! I got into bed, expressed a bit and then went to lie down. Perfect timing as always the thunders starts, you know that thunder that hits so loud that it makes the walls shiver, that one! My mind races to my boy, he is all alone out there, what if he is scared, what if he doesn’t understand why I’m not there, what if he needs me... my husband tries to comfort me by telling me he’s not alone and there’s a room full of staff taking care of him but all I can think of is “but I’m not there, he shouldn’t be alone, he should be here in my arms, he needs his mom, this isn’t how it’s suppose to be” and as FINE as I thought I was, I broke again, sobbing uncontrollably with a million thoughts running through my mind, I knew he is ok, I knew he responded to the medication well, I knew he had a room full of staff with him, I knew this was the best thing for him, I knew that he will come home in 2 days but none of it matter... all I really knew and believed was that I needed to be there! He belonged with his mommy and she with him! I CANT DO THIS! I’m not strong enough, I can’t pretend to be brave anymore, to be fine and just go to bed, I thought I could but I can’t. Not being able to lie in bed anymore I got up and went to cry more in the bathroom, breaking more and more with every sobbing shake of my body. I am strong, I always take care of everything but THIS I couldn’t do and I couldn’t pretend anymore. My husband came to the bathroom and realized nothing he says will help and ended up saying the only 6 words that my mind would hear ... “come baby, let’s go to him” The car ride was silent with only the loud sound of raindrops breaking on the car. I remember just staring at the water on the windscreen and feeling the icy line of a tear slowly running down my cheek... then there was a warm squeeze of my husbands hand, a squeeze filled with love and words that didn’t need to be spoken to understand! Walking into NICU our little guy was lying there crying, it’s an hour after his last feed, he should be fast asleep but he’s not. He needed me as much as I needed him and the moment he saw us, his cries stopped. I picked him up and went to feed him, he drank non stop and then tucked his tiny little hand into my shirt and fell asleep. That moment I knew we did the right thing, something in my body just knew he needed me and I needed him at that moment. I was finally ready to go home, I tucked him in and gave him a kiss and it felt like like a million pieces was lifted of my heart, it’s midnight, my baby is snug and happy and I can finally close my eyes!